what matters most

I think for this last blog entry I want to talk about family. If anything, the biggest thing I have learned in my life is that family is the most important thing we have. I'm positive that is why God created families for us to come down to and to learn and love each other. We can not progress in this life without the help of our family. It is so important to me that I raise my family in a loving home where my kids know I love them. I didn't grow up with this myself. Growing up my parents were separated quite often, always coming back together in the end. After 16 years of marriage with on again/ off again, they decided to get a divorce. This was a hard ting for my sister and me to experience, but something that taught me the value and importance of having a strong, loving, happy family. Sometimes I am scared of the unknown future of my husband and mine's relationship, but then i always find comfort that if we really love each other and turn to the lord He will help us overcome anything. Our families are like a muscle: if we work that muscle and do our best to strengthen it with healthy activities, then that muscle will be strong in the end.
I think we all just need to step back from our busy lives to see our family as being the most precious thing and then invest our time treating it as such. It will be more than worth it in the end.

Parenting

Parenting is something we will all be affected by in some way or another: we will wither become parents ourselves or have been parented in the past. Parenting is not just a matter of getting our children to comply to us and our needs/wants as adults, but is rather a process for us to act on the needs of children. The needs of children can be placed into 5 categories:

1. The need for contact

2. The need of belonging

3. The need for protection

4. the need to withdraw

5. the need for challenge

As we parent, these are the areas we need to be looking at when a child acts out or seems to be "misbehaving". We have the responsibility to teach our children right verses wrong and help build their character, we are not parents to just police their good and bad behavior. We do not teach kids to behave, rather we teach them how to build character. Character can be built as we address  the apparent needs of the child. As we address those needs we won't need to chase around their behavior because as their needs are met they will naturally be happier and more willing to abide by rules of the house. 

We as parents have a sacred responsibility to parent those spirits in which our Father in heaven trusts to teach and guide His children to learn truth and build character. 

gratitude.

This has been a very relaxing week for me: no school, not too much homework, and getting to hang out with my family always makes for a happy time. This week was all about thankfulness an the things that we have that we are thankful for. There are so many things that I have to be grateful for this year: successful surgery, marrying the man of  my dreams, and returning home from an honorable mission in the Philippines.

I the act of being grateful, It has caused me to be more grateful for these things not just around this time of year, but all times of the year, especially for my husband. One day he is going to be the father of our little runts and I want him to know how much gratitude and appreciation that I'll have for him. It seems as if sometimes the men in our lives don't get the right amount of appreciation that they deserve, especially those who are active fathers. I know that as I show more gratitude for him and the role he plays in our family, the better man he will continue to be. Guys need that sense of security as well and we can give that to them in many ways: 

1. helping them see the big picture and realizing that there are vital and important

2. Show appreciation often and validating their feelings as real. 

3. Tell him you love him and kiss him. 

4. accept his goodness and compliments

 And the list could go on and on.

But we are women have a powerful influence on the men in our lives. So be that woman for good: help you brother, husband, friend, dad, or grandfather to help him see the great inside of him. 

Not who is right, but what is right.

This week has there has been a lot of eye opening experiences from the time I have spent in class. If anything, my heart and love go out to Brother Williams during this trial that has come up. And I gladly give my support to him at this time. We all need to have to courage to share our opinions and what we know to be true to help strengthen others, even if some will not agree with what we do. So don't be shy, SHARE YOUR OPINION BECAUSE IT MATTERS!
 I feel that leads me into my next topic of communication when conflicts arise. If we are too shy or scared to hurt someone's feelings or that we will be judged for feeling or thinking a certain way, that problem will never be solved. It takes to people being open and honest with each other to fix problems and solve conflict effectively.
 I always thought that conflicts were mostly solved by using a compromise that would help both parties of the marriage to get what they want. this may work, but what about the third party of your marriage? That's right, what about God? Healthy marriages have a husband and wife who don't compromise but rather come to a consensus together, that is both knowing really what the right thing is that need to be done. Its not a matter of who is right, its a matter of counseling together and with the lord to find what it is that is right. It may be something like what car to buy, when to have kids, what the right way to end an argument is. They may be little things but they may also be the little things in our life that we counsel with the lord to know the right thing that need to be done. god may no necessarily car what car you buy, but I feel that he cars about you and your family and he will help in the process to know the best thing that will help your family.
 I know that as we do this with all conflicts, trials, and decisions that need to ne made, you will be guided to know exactly what is right. he won't let you done.

Be prepared!

This is always the first thing that come to my mind about preparedness. Scare took into account that he needed to prepare for future event if he wanted the outcome to be as he wished. Even though this was written in a negative connotation, I feel we can still draw positive skills of preparedness from the example and have a little fun while doing it. 

 There are going to be things that will come up unexpectedly though out our journey here in this strange world. There will be crisis or trials such as death, illness, divorce, miscarriage, unemployment, etc. no one is exempt from experiencing some kind of trial. So with that being said, we need to prepare ourselves individually and as a family unit for when those will occur. We have to prepare to protect the integrity of our families. 

 Here are some ideas that I have come up with to prepare your family for those unexpected events:

  1. Families should counsel with each other on a regular basis, even when big problems haven't yet risen, to form positive patterns of communication. If you can't talk about the little things in your family, how do you expect to talk about the big things together when they occur. 

  2. Stay spiritually connected. No matter what your religion is, God can and will help in your times of need. Look for ways to strengthen spirituality. 

  3. Take the time to focus now on creating strong relationships with your spouse and your children. When trial arises, that love sill needs to be felt across the board to make it through. 

  4, Family systems and boundaries should be established now to help reinforce where boundaries still lie when trouble brews. An example of this should be proper information staying with in the system of husband and wife and what is appropriate to share with other family member or with your children. It is also easier for spouses to lean on each other in times of need when that bond has already been formed. 

  5. Look for good habits of stress relief such as exercise, writing, cooking/baking, etc., whatever it is that helps relief stress and start those habits now. 

I know that as we prepare our families now for those hardships that will come unexpectedly, we can find peace that we will make it through. When those troubling times come, we can stand strong together as a family instead of being pulled apart and distanced from each other. 

Boundaries

I have heard it from friends of mine who have been married for a while and the tale is that as soon as you are married, you have no friends anymore. I have heard so many of my friends say this about a month or so after they first got married. At first my reaction was "well maybe that's because they were just spending too much time with each other and not keeping those friendships close." Which could be true, but I've recently seen really why so many people are saying when you get married you lose all of your friends: it is because as a married couple you are now setting boundaries for the friends you do have. It is very important that our friends are outside of the husband/wife boundary after married and i might say even when courting and being engaged. We need boundaries that will reassure the fidelity we have to each other as husbands and wives. It should be our husbands or wives that we look to to talk about our fears, things we are worried about, and goals that we want to share together. If as a married person, we remain very close with our friends we can start to create other emotional connections that can damage our marriage. It may be easy to "vent" to your girl friends or the guys about the stupid things our spouse does that just irritates the crap out of us. But venting should only be for dryers and  rice cookers. When we vent to other about our relationship it can plant a negative connotation in their minds of our significant other which can cause many problems in the future. If we continue to have close emotional relationships with friends other than our spouse, we can create such strong emotional bonds that can and will lead to romantic feelings and a chance for affairs to happen that bring much pain and suffering.
THESE BOUNDARIES NEED TO BE SET TO PROTECT THE MARRIAGE.  Christ taught this very thing in Matthew when he taught of  marriage:

 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall ^acleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

(St Matthew 19:5)

Christ himself taught that we need to do all we can to have boundaries in our marriages that will keep fidelity in our marriages. In my opinion it is not that we loose our friends when we get married, but that we are more cautious when it comes to keeping our marriages strong and be the most rewarding.

Home for the holidays

In class this week we talked a lot about adjustments or challenges that couple will face in the first month of their marriage, first year, and first child. One of the things brought up was holidays, especially when Christmas comes around. For a newly married couple this can cause lots of stress of wanting to spend equal amounts of time with all sides of the family and could leave other sides with feelings of resentment for not spending as much time with them or not being able to see all sides at all. But maybe its not too bad of an idea for a married couple to just do Holidays for themselves the first couple years of their marriage. If a couple goes back home for Christmas to visit the husbands side, it creates an atmosphere where he is put back into the role of child again. This can cause problems because his current role is husband, provider, and preside er. This can go the same way for the wife, to slip back into roles that may exclude the spouse in certain ways. May I suggest that it may be very healthy for a couple to spend the holidays just the two of them. This gives them my opportunities to create their own traditions for their future family. This also gives time for them to bond even more, talk about important things in their life, and give time for them to set goals together.  Now I am not saying that it would bad their relationship to spend some time with family around the holidays because those relationships are very important. What I am saying is that a newly couple really needs to do what is best for them the first couple of years so they can do all they can to build a strong relationship between the two of them. It is not something that should be taken personally, but something that should be looked at from the position of the new couple. The holidays are a great time for new couples to focus on their relationship and what they can do to make things that much more satisfying and rewarding in their marriage. 

The game changer

Think for a second about the phrase "game changer". What comes to mind? Maybe for some it's the end of the 3rd quarter and the QB gets sacked with an injury that has him out for the rest of the season. Maybe its the loss of a loved ones that changes how the rest of your life will play out. Maybe it is even something like transferring to a different University. All of these could be considered "game changers" in the game of life. But I think one game changer that if often overlooked is the first kiss we have in a relationship. It really changes everything. You go from friends one moment to more committed the very next second to the other person. Now, I know there may be some to say that a kiss doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things, it's just a kiss. Lets jump more into this a little bit. 

     Scenario 1: Lets say you find someone that you really like and right away you were to share a kiss with that other person. It's great,you feel good, and that leads to you wanting it more. But here your romantic lover is the only thing being satisfied: there has bit been a friendship created with interests and a real connection with that partner. If the relationship continues it will be harder for you to establish the foundation you need before physical intimacy should be introduced into the relationship. Then before you know it, you develop communication issues with each other which lead to more problems which could then lead to the end of the relationship as you know it. 

   Scenario 2:  Mary and Tim are best friends and have always been best friends since they could remember. Their friends always joked that they would end up marrying each other but always shrugged it off. One day Mary see Tim in a different way and one thing leads to another with the first kiss of two best friends. Later Mary realizes that maybe that kiss wasn't what she thought it would be like and that the people around her only got in her head. Tim feels the same thing, things between the two become awkward and weird and as a result Tim and Mary stop spending time together and their friendship is over. 

     Scenario 3: You find someone you are attracted to physically but also someone who has a personality that peaks your interest. You hang out for a while to establish a relationship but getting to know each other even more, like and dislikes, and just who they are. You come to a point where you really like this person, then dating comes into the mix. You go on a couple dates and realize that you really do like this person and then that first kiss comes: its so much more satisfying because you really do like this person genuinely for who they are and not just for what they look like. That first kiss takes the relationship to a whole new level a greater love to be felt and greater enjoyment in loving that person. 

Ok, so my scenarios may be a little over reaching but you get the idea now. A FIRST KISS CHANGED THE REST OF THE OUTCOME OF A RELATIONSHIP, for better or for worse. It is one of those things that can never be taken back and can never really be forgotten. . I've learned that a first Kiss should not come right away but should be anticipated for that right moment of greater commitment to another person. Too many people are rushing to the physical aspect of a relationship and wanting to feel pleasure with another human being, which can damage that relationship in reality rather than improving it for the better.Research has also found that people who have had many first kisses with many different people are said to show a lack in attaching emotionally to significant others because they have already been exposed to heart break again and again creating a numbness to emotion. This may not have been something that I practiced in my youth as I dated, but I see how that would have helped me to avoid heartbreak and other feelings of sadness that come with the end of relationships. I'm not saying to save the first kiss until your married, that is a bit ridiculous, but I am saying that there should be a time and a place for a kiss to really take the relationship to the next level, for it to change the game. 

Gender Roles

First may I start by saying that this entry is not the means of bringing down others faith or saying that what other people believe is wrong and that they are stupid for thinking a certain way. We are all human and think and believe in diverse ways. I hope in return that I can have the same respect reciprocated for those things that I believe in.

We live in a world of changing values and changing view points on varying topics. One of those topics is Gender Roles. Some believe that we can choose our gender, some believe that all genders are equal and that there are no differences. Now, i'm not targeting those beliefs, i'm just stating that they exist. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I firmly believe that Gender roles are important and that there are no mistakes when it comes to the gender we were born into. I know that god is perfect and makes no mistake, he is almighty and all powerful. So why would God make us one thing if we were meant to be another?

The reason I know of these things are because of a divine document called The Family: A Proclamation  to the World. It states that "ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." God has made us to be either female or male and that has been the way of God eternally. We were either male or female before coming to this earth to experience trials, sorrow, and joy. He made us different to fulfill HIS plan for HIS children. We have been given divinely different characteristics in order to bring about a better work and strengthen each other. This about it- if we were all males, more than likely there would be so much competition, spatial thinking, and maybe not a whole lot of nurturing care towards fellow men. But because God knew we would need that nurturing love, he gifted the women of the world with that attribute. Not saying that males and females cant attain certain attributes that the other has been given, but we can learn from each other and complete the other. When God created Eve, he created her to be a help meet, or in other words he created a suitable, fitting, proper, qualified help to further God's plan. We aren't created to compete with each other, but rather to really complete each other. As I was sitting in class this week I had an "Ah ha" moment: that maybe we were created differently to help bring out those divinely given gifts and make them stronger. Maybe we can't have a strong protector of a husband without a strong nurturing wife. We are compliments of each other, we are not competitors. 

I believe in this document with my whole heart to be the world of God not just for members of the Mormon faith, but for the whole world. I strongly believe that as the world takes its turn for differences we can turn to this document and find unity in God's one eternal plan he has for all of his children. I could not be more grateful to have been born the female I am and for the husband that I just married, for the man that he is. I could not be more grateful for the male roles he brings to our marriage. I know that our differences will only bring us closer together and closer to God. These differences make us who we are, brings us even closer together, and it is such a beautiful thing. These differences will help to bring in a strong family of the lord. We really cant change the definition of the family to meet people needs and desires. I am a preserver of traditional marriage and family, but that does not mean that I am not just a compassionate towards others and a respecter of their faiths. 

 8 Jesus Christ the ^asame yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

 9 Be not ^acarried about with divers and strange ^bdoctrines. For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace; not with meats, which have not profited them that have been occupied therein. 

Hebrews 13:8-9

Tradition...Tradition!

From the movie Fiddler on the Roof, we see from the very beginning that traditions are very important to the Jewish culture when it comes to how homes are ran and even the process of marriage. Traditions go the same for us all: they are ways of living or special practices that define who we are and how we live. Think for a second of the family traditions you had when you were growing up: was it movie nights with your family? or a special breakfast for a birthday? or it could even be something as simple as going to church with your family on a Sunday morning. No matter the case, these traditions hold great value to the proper function of a family unit. Lets just image that all the family traditions you ever had were taken away...would your life have any meaning? We would be living more as robots with our our traditions, we would just sit and go through a very boring norm of living. Life is to be enjoyed, creating meaningful bonds, and preparing ourselves for the future of a better tomorrow. Traditions link our families and help them to evolve into something very rare and special. As I look back on my family and the traditions we had, I can see they were moments that really defined and brought our family even closer together.
 I am getting married in 3 days and my fiance and I have talked about the traditions that we both have experienced growing up. As we see that we want to keep those important traditions in our future family, but we also want to create new traditions for our new family. New is ok, we don't always have to stick to what we have been told. Look at your family, evaluate your family traditions and don't be afraid to dive into something new.

The Prodigal

Have you ever looked at a sibling or some other member in your family that misbehaves and feel as if they are pulling your family apart? For a long time I always thought that the wayward child was the one to bring the family down. But research actually shows that the wayward ones actually bring the family closer together and for stronger bonds within the system itself. Some might think "well, how?". As we have been discussing in my class, the family actually joins forces, or gets on the same page, to do all they cam to help that certain family member. Family systems function better when they are united. So the next time you think that the Prodigal Son in your family is bringing you guys to a halt, step back and see the bonds within your family grow to be even stronger. Those circumstances are definitely blessings in disguise.

A difference or a compliment?

We all grow up hearing the same things over and over again: Opposites attract. Whether we hear it in science or in the dating world, differences will always make us unique; God intended it to be so. But some may go as far to say that if we are too different we are not compatible, that we need to be more alike in order to have a successful relationship. It's interesting to see how that is not always the case though. I've learned that on average, couples that go to divorce courts have at least 10 areas of incompatibility and successful marriages have on average at least 10 areas of incompatibility. You may look at these two areas and think "That can't be right" or "maybe she just has a typo in her blog". I didn't really get it at first when I heard it either; but when I really start to think about it, it all comes down to our perspective and how we see our relationships. We can either see our differences as differences and that we can't be successful with that certain person. Or we can look at our differences as Compliments. I don't believe in soul mates or that there is a certain "one" out there for everyone. I do believe that we can make any relationship work as we see each other as equals instead of as opponents. If we look at them as negative then we really miss out on great things. I've seen this is my own life. When I first started dating my fiance, he wasn't too sure how long he really wanted things to last because we had lots of dissimilar interests when it came to music, movies, and some other outdoor activities. I felt that in the way we talked and I was a little upset because I really liked this kid but knew that it would probably end. I remember he left to go down to Rexburg to get some things from his old apartment. He was supposed to be gone for the whole weekend but came back the very next day, and came right over to see me. He told me that he realized that we didn't need to have the same interests or be exactly alike, but rather it was a matter of having the same goals for the future and having the same mindset of we can make this relationship worth while. It brought us closer together and I've even learned some awesome new hobbies and things that I am now interested in because of him. I'm so grateful he didn't let me go because now I have an eternity to look forward with this man.
We can't let our differences be the determining factor of our relationships, but we should see them as opportunity to love more and grow more.

Often times we as human beings want to know the exact formula we need to have a successful family or marriage, including myself. My hope with this blog is that I can help others find those nuts and bolts that they need to find success and greater happiness within their homes.